Better than yesterday...Not as good as tomorrow

I know they told me that it could take up to 3 weeks before I began to notice a difference from the medication, but I prayed that the Lord would allow it to work quickly and with no side-effects. Praise the Lord! I believe that the meds are already helping. I've been taking them since Friday night & I already feel like I am more in control of my emotions. Several things have happened today that would previously have "set me off." One of them being, Chaz defiantly peeing on the floor! (I HATE that!) But today, I was very in control of my emotions. I disciplined him appropriately, put him on the potty, cleaned him up & then helped him go down for a nap...which was the real cause of his behavior.



This evening, we went shopping. Up til now, shopping would have ended with me frustrated & yelling at Keith. But tonight, I enjoyed it. Keith took Ethan to look in electronics & I took Chaz to the toy department to spend some birthday money. I had fun shopping with my little man. When we left, Keith was pushing Chaz in the cart & ran in the parking lot & then jumped up on the cart. I just kept walking & smiling. They were having so much fun! 

I love my husband! I love my boys! I love my family!! I love my life!!!

A new day!

So, today is a MUCH different day than yesterday! Praise the Lord for that!!

Yesterday, I cried most of the day. I felt overwhelmed & like I struggled for every single breath. Two thoughts went through my head as I was going through yesterday:
1. Sorrow may last for the night, but joy comes in the morning!
2. The pain of yesterday was from my mask being torn off
For a long time, I've been wearing a mask. No one but my immediate family (hubby & chillins) have seen the true "me" that I have become. They see the ugliness & they feel the pain. Everyone else sees what I LET them see. Every once in a while, my mask slips a little and others see a bit of what's behind it, but a quick excuse & getaway usually keep anyone from seeing what truly lies beneath my mask. Admitting what is going on has caused me to be unable to wear the mask anymore. The mask is forever broken! That is a good thing & a scary thing at the same time. I can't hide anymore. Instead I have to face it & deal with it head on, like a big girl. I've gotta "put on my big girl panties and deal with it."


I started my medication last night & I am so thankful that I have not had any ill side-effects. I am praying that I don't have any & that it works quickly. I am also praying that my wee man doesn't have any side effects from it, as I am still breastfeeding. The medication is the safest to take while breastfeeding, but there is always a chance of side effects.

I am so thankful that today is a better day! I am spending the day with my boys and watching my friend's son. He is a few months younger than Chaz, but they are the best of friends! I am also preparing for Chaz's birthday party this afternoon. His little friends are coming to celebrate him! He is such a blessing!!

So...until next time...

Trying again...

So, I've already proven that I am not very good at this blogging thing. I started this over 4 months ago & forgot how to even get back to it. Some things have changed since I first started this blog.  Let's see...

Chaz turned 3! I can hardly believe that he is 3 now. It was just yesterday that he was born...my tiny little man. Now he seems so grown up. He is so smart...and SO funny. We're deep into potty training now. I'm so proud of him when he makes it & so frustrated when he doesn't. I'm trying to be patient, but it's hard! Especially when he will NOT poop on the potty. Ugh! I'm so tired of cleaning poop out of underwear!! Everyone keeps telling me to just be patient, that he will get it eventually. I sure hope they're right!

Ethan is walking now...and falling a LOT! The poor boy is so bruised up that I think some people secretly wonder what's happening. He's such a joy at times and at other times, he is so demanding & draining that I wonder how I will ever get anything else accomplished. I have found a book that is all about him! This has helped a little. It is Dr. Sear's book, The Fussy Baby. I guess Ethan is a high-needs baby. It's not a bad thing, just makes life a little harder to manage.

And there's something else going on that makes life harder to manage. Yesterday, I was FINALLY diagnosed with Postpartum Depression. I have been struggling since about a month after Ethan was born (he's almost 11 months old now). A lot of my symptoms are also symptoms that I had when I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism, so I was thinking that my thyroid was just severely out of balance. But no matter how much my meds were adjusted, nothing has helped long-term. Yesterday, I went to see a new doctor. I told him some of my symptoms. He was ready to just order the thyroid bloodwork & a CBC (to try to determine my fatigue), when I asked him if it could be that what I'm going through is not my thyroid at all, but maybe undiagnosed PPD. He said that it was entirely possible. He started asking me questions & as I answered them, I started crying and got very jittery. He said that after talking to me for a few minutes that he's almost certain that I've hit it right on the head. He prescribed Zoloft, which I will start today. I am looking forward to looking forward to things again, instead of dreading each day. I can't wait to feel like me again. I'm not sure I remember who I am, but I know that I miss me. I am looking forward to not yelling at my children & my husband. I can't wait to have the energy to get things done. To sleep again will be amazing! (I have terrible insomnia, so I get, on a good night, about 5 hours of broken sleep-Ethan still gets up in the night to eat). MAYBE, just maybe, I'll get motivated to get some exercise & eat properly again. I'm sure loosing some of this excess weight would make me feel worlds better too.

So, I guess that's me...sad, depressed, unmotivated, angry...and at the same time HOPEFUL...hopeful that this medication (thought I hate taking medicine) will help me find myself again...the me that laughed, played, sang, danced and loved her family.